After my first failed attempt at Weight Watchers, I was sure that it had nothing to do with my "metabolism" verses my lack of "will power". I had lost control and eaten a cookie, so surely the dismal results just had to be my fault! It just made more sense, though I probably choose that explanation to be a more credible one because I had no idea what "metabolism" meant! What can I say, I was 9 and to be fair, metabolism was not part of daily conversation as it has become in this day and age.
Due to my devastation, eventually my mother backed off and the subject of my being on a diet ceased. This is not to say dieting stopped within our household, as my mother was continually on or off a diet. Yet for me, my focus wasn't on dieting, though it was on being "fat". After all, every time I got a new outfit my Dad would say "You'd better not gain any weight"!
I remember always feeling "fat" because I looked different than most of the girls going through school. At the age of 13, I was 5'2, weighing 133lbs with a 36B bust line..a child in a woman's body. Not a bad thing, but seeing I was different, I became the center of ridicule. I thought the label of "fat" must be true, because most of the other girls didn't look like I did. I wish now I had the proper perspective to know that I was not "fat", I was just already a woman!
As the years past, I was so focused on being "the fat one", that I did start to get heavier. It really is true that what you think about you bring about, and I hated myself for the additional weight I gained by the time I was going into my Junior Year. That summer I decided to lose weight, so I asked my mom if I could do Weight Watchers once again. As we went to the weekly meetings, I was still mortified at being the youngest there, but I was on a mission so I endured.
The weight loss was still slow, painfully so, but I wasn't going to give up on myself! It appears my Mom was right about the metabolism thing! I weighed and measured everything I ate and added bike riding to my weekly activities. This was a first, because up until that year, I hadn't had a bike since I was a little girl. We moved to a busy main street when I was 7, and with it's 45mile per hour speed limit, our mother was worried we'd be hit, so we weren't allowed to ride a bike!
The bike riding didn't speed up the weight loss, but it did help to tone and sculpt my body. Thus where I had once been soft, I became more toned and defined, so I looked better. Surprisingly, the activity itself and how I challenged myself to go a little further each time, also had an unexpected result. I became more confident in who I was, thus I began to see a different person that summer. Little did I know, the different person I was seeing had little to do with the slow weight loss and much more to do with the level of confidence.
I remember walking into School on the first day of my Junior Year and knowing, as I stepped through those doors, that things would be different. It was apparent almost immediately that I was right! I walked into that building and people actually "saw" me...everyone was saying "hello", guys who I'd known since childhood and who had previously ignored or made fun of me, came up and hugged me saying I looked "great"! ??? What did they say??? 10lbs did that??? Wow! I should have dieted more often!! I was on cloud nine and excited about what the year would bring. I was no longer the "fat" girl, I was "hot"!
Of course, the 10lbs helped but not so much in my becoming "skinny", because I wasn't, but instead in what the effort did for my self-esteem. The weight loss only took me down to 150lbs, so at 5'4, I was still on the heavier side of average. The change was in my confidence. I walked in knowing "I was all that" and thus others saw it. I believed I was noticeable, thus people noticed me!
Who knew that all I wanted people to see in my was always there, I just needed to see it first! Who knew that if I believed I was beautiful, others would see it too? Who knew that, to have the life I wanted, all I needed to do was believe in myself? Who knew that making your dreams come true all starts with believing you deserve it? Who knew???
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