Well, here I am...sitting in front of my computer screen wonder what the heck am I going to write that will make a difference in the life of many? How am I going to do that if I can't even figure out where to start? What made me think I had anything "profound" to say anyway? Have you seen my life? Why would anyone want to hear what I have to say? Who the heck thought it would be a good idea to start a blog anyway? Ok...that was me, but really, what was I thinking????
Hmmm...what was I thinking? Interesting question...have you ever had a moment when you looked back on a choice you made, a direction you chose and wondered "What was I thinking?" I know there have been times in my life that I have, but to be honest with you, those times are far and few between. This is not to say that all my choices where good ones, as they weren't, it's just to say that I really wouldn't change much in my life as it has all led to me being the woman I am today. I may not be perfect, my life may not be all I want it to be, and to some it may even resemble "a train wreck", but I am finally happy with the person I have become and excited about the woman I have yet to be.
Now, just because I wouldn't change much, with the exception of the decision to go from black hair to blonde which resulted in my head resembling a Canary (all yellow and peach), it doesn't mean all my choices were the best ones. On the contrary. There were some real doozy's that caused others to say "What were you thinking???" Actually, there were many choices that caused other's to say that, but the truth of the matter is, I did the best I could while trying to stay true to myself. There's the kicker...staying true to one's self.
I've made many choices in my life that have caused others, my family in particular, to believe that I chose to do so out of "spite". I promise you, this was not the case. Though they were always trying to give me advice that would "fix" my life, I didn't always listen. I made choices that felt "safe" to me, that didn't put me out there to be open to rejection, that didn't set me up for failure, that in many cases where the opposite of what my family told me, simply because, at the time, they felt "right" to me. I was trying to be true to myself (as we all should), yet, at the time, felt that being "me" made me "less than" my sisters. Thus I was living life in a constant state of turmoil...
Maybe that was why I stayed within the life I knew and didn't take their advice to put myself out there in the manner they all suggested. Maybe that's why I felt the need for others to help me, because somewhere along the way I "heard" what they were saying as "I wasn't good enough to do it on my own". Maybe it was just simply fear that kept me from being who they wanted me to be, because the person they wanted me to be didn't feel like me.
Was it as simple as my belief that I was positive I would fail if I tried to live up to what my sisters did? To what my sisters had? After all, my perception (whether right or not) was I would never measure up to my sisters. Or was it that maybe, somewhere deep inside, I knew that I was different than my sisters? That maybe I wasn't meant to live the life they had? Was this the case? If so, why did that fact make me feel somehow "less than" my sisters?
Maybe it was the fact that the person my parents saw, the little girl who "saw" dead people, was so foreign to their understanding that they didn't know how to deal with her. Maybe their attempt to squelch that part of me (simply in an effort to protect me from the criticism of others), taught me that I was somehow inherently "wrong" the way God made me. Or maybe it was simply me, trying to find my own path in life, that made me the outsider. Maybe it was my own perception that made me feel "less than" my sisters verses that I truly was. Maybe I was just trying to be true to me but hating the me I was because I wasn't "like my sisters" ...
I struggled for many years with being the "failure" in the family. I knew they loved me as only family can, but also knew that my choices and what they perceived as me choosing to "not listen to them" made them very angry with me. Partly because they saw me heading for danger, but mostly because I had turned into the person who always asked others for help when I was "down". I had taken on the roll of "victim" in life and consequently my family paid the price (literally) for each mistake I made. Sometimes I asked for help, other times they just automatically offered to help because how do you not when you see someone you love suffering? It became a pattern that was hard to break. They became my rescuers and because I allowed them to do so, I damaged the "friendships" we once had.
The decisions to allow myself to be "rescued" throughout my lifetime by those I loved, are the only choices I truly regret. Unfortunately I cannot change what damage has been done with my family. All I can do is make the choice to do better, be better and take full responsibility for my choices from this moment forward. I have chosen to live my Life within the Truth of who I am. I am learning to follow my intuitive voice and walk the Path that is given. I have learned to accept the fact that it is perfectly fine if it is not the Path others think I should take. I am finally ready to live fully with the consequences of my choices, good or bad, they are mine to own.
Maybe my life turned out to be less "successful" than my sisters in the eyes of others but, as for the person I am, it turns out I was NOT less than my sisters. I finally understand that who I am, who I was born to be, is equally as important, equally as special, and equally as unique as they are. It is this understanding that has finally freed me from feeling like a failure, and knowing that what I have to offer the world is important, what I have to say will make a difference, and who I am is God Given...just like my sisters.
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